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Freetown Police Warn Motorists of Strange Threat in Roadways

Freetown Police Facebook
Freetown Police Facebook

The Freetown Police Department has posted a new sign outside of the Freetown State Forest warning motorists of a potential threat in the town’s roadways.

In addition to the hazard of the sudden appearance of deer, raccoons and other animals that can appear in the road without notice, Freetown Police have now determined that pukwudgies are appearing more frequently in roadways, causing car accidents to those who aren’t paying careful attention to the road.

“It’s about time the police issued a warning about pukwudgies,” said noted pukwudgie expert Christopher Balzano. “They have been causing problems in the area of the Freetown State Forest for far too long. They are far more dangerous than any of the other creatures in the forest, and people need to be aware of it.”

The public is advised that, if they come in contact with a pukwudgie, they should take elusive measures as quickly as possible. Do not look it in the eye, but simply back away in a slow, non-threatening manner.

“Do not approach a pukwudgie if you see one,” Balzano said. “They are not to be messed with. The danger is real.”

For more information about pukwudgies, visit this site for videos and podcasts relating to the topic.

From the Freetown Police Facebook page:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CROSSING WARNING SIGN PLACEMENT

The Freetown Police Department has ordered the placement of a crossing warning sign to call attention and alert motorists to unexpected entries onto the roadway that may call for a reduction of speed or immediate action in the interest of traffic safety (Under the guidelines of Section 2C.37p of the Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices).

The location of this crossing warning sign is on Slab Bridge Road, approximately 500 yards northwest of the entrance to the Freetown State Forest Headquarters. However, these crossing conflicts may occur randomly over a larger segment of the roadway and all along the property of the Freetown State Forest.

Animals on the road are a major cause of crashes in this area of Freetown and are becoming more frequent. As a result, crashes can result in significant property damage or serious injury to drivers and passengers. In the past, the installation of “DEER” crossing signs were the most widely used measure to reduce animal-vehicle collisions. However, we feel that the installation of just another “DEER” crossing warning sign would only contribute to the overuse of these signs and lead to a general disregard by the motoring public. Plus it does not identify the real problem at hand…. The Pukwudgie.

It has been widely reported that the Freetown State Forest is the home of these mythical creatures known as the Pukwudgies. The danger the Pukwudgies present to the motoring public is that they can appear and disappear at will by using its magical powers. They are also known to shoot poison arrows near and across the roadway in violation of MGL Chapter 131 Section 58. It is believed that Pukwudgies also have the following traits and abilities: They are masters at remaining undetected in the forests, they can transform into a walking porcupine, they can create fire at will (don’t worry, the Freetown Fire Department and State Forest Fire Control have countermeasures in place), and they control the spirits of their decease victims (unfortunately, we have no countermeasures for this).

Lastly, so the crossing warning sign does not lose its effectiveness, we have contacted local experts to certify the continued use of this sign and when it should be removed. As of right now the sign will be posted during the mating season of the Pukwudgie, where they are most likely to be crossing the roadway in search of a mate. This year, it is believed that the season begins and ends on “April Fools’ Day”.

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